Let me say it....

Do you ever feel irritated by how people carry themselves when you get near the end of a working relationship? Then, as you look back over the year, you realize it isn't anything new and that they did it all along? Which means what changed is you? It isn't that you changed the level you expect from people because you don't expect more at the end. Not after the disappointments you went through earlier with them. It's just that you never really noticed that their way of handling things is to just blurt out things when it is convenient for them. They don't really think about how it should be handled, that there are more parties involved, or merely the more professional approach. It could be that you notice it because now it directly involves you. So you are irritated and you say something to your confidant and they remind you of every little thing that has happened this year; some of which you complained to her about. You relive all those small irritations and you see that there is a fundamental problem in how the people you work with communicate; or more accurately, the way they fail to communicate.

The problem is that you feel conflicted now. You actually enjoy what you have done and you want to enjoy every moment that you have left. Except at the same time your newly opened eyes have made you hyper aware of the failings. The fact that you are less then 3 weeks from being done has made you jumpy. So you feel irritated and ready to be done with everything; but at the same time you don't want to be. It isn't fair for you or the people you are there for. So you just keep refocusing but you are close to emotionally drained and then the refocusing gets interrupted by their failure to communicate schedule altering plans. Of course when you mention it to them they think 'sour grapes'. 

So here it is.

"My students should hear that I am leaving from me and not your fucking newsletter!"

"God damn it! You knew for over a month that some recycling folks were coming to steal my afternoon and you failed to tell me! How do you not get why that pisses me and my cohort off?"

Let's be real, I am mostly disappointed in myself. I am the one who didn't pay attention earlier; letting all the small irritations slide. It is my fault that the small issues, the ones I didn't address and keep occurring, are making me whine and lash out now. I have put some of these thoughts in to writing with the hope that the effort benefits the one who stays and the one who replaces. Of course the suggestions were not met completely openly. "When I hear of a problem I fix it" says she; but the reality is that she is shooting down the very suggestions she asked us to provide. To the next year's staff, good luck.

What Facebook Really Does or The Reasons The World Knows That You Are Stupid

First, let me be clear, I have no agendas here. I will not predict Facebook's impending implosion or any other theory that is currently floating through the ol' dubya dubya dubya sphere. I am not going to talk about the ads or the fact that everyday Facebook seems to re-prioritize what is actually new posts and what is most interesting. That can be left to the people who give a shit. 

I am just going to complain about my Facebook friends. You see, a lot of people seem to miss the point of certain sites that exist to make you think "What the H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS is this dude talking about?!" Then you look at the source and other articles the site put out and realize that they are just messing with you. Lets not pretend the first reaction does not exist, it does. We think, maybe with a lot of doubt, that the article is real. Then we read and the article is vague and does not really give good information. If we are not paying attention to the, sometimes subtle, hints perhaps we go on a rampage and post about it. I get it. Sometimes you get tricked. Sometimes there is enough of a history that you think this could happen. This is an okay and understandable response. To a certain degree. Have you not seen all the crazy pranks that Jimmy Kimmel and others are managing to pull on the "legitimate news teams"? Take a second to investigate a crazy claim before posting about it. Listen to the voice that says "This is crazy!"

For the sake of this argument let's say that you didn't check. It caught you hook, line, and sinker. I mean we are talking about a world that has people "catfishing" other people; meaning it can totally happen. So this fake is seen by you as real and you post about it in a serious manner. Then a bunch of other people post things on both sides of the non-existent argument. Along comes someone, the voice of reason, that sets you straight and reveals the hoax. They even link to proof showing that what you posted is bullshit; the woman stranded on a deserted island but saved by Google maps, the wolf roaming Olympic village, the worst twerker ever, or that Portland, OR is the most racist city ever. It is totally bogus and the proof is posted in a comment on your post. 

Why, tell me why, do you insist on ignoring that post and continuing to debate the fake article or video? Why continue to believe something stupid? Why not just say "my bad!" and have a laugh? Instead you and your friends continue traveling down Indignation Summit and have a bitching party. Mind you I said bitching, like complaining, and not bitchin like the cool 80's term.

My opinion is that Facebook helps you see how poorly people understand satire. Especially when the people think it is politically motivated. Just because Republicans are pictured at the top of every page does not mean that it is a politically motivated attack. Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin did not write the article. I am always confused when something unrelated, like the most racist city, comes down to political parties. They are making fun of you by causing you to get butt hurt by a satirical article. You in essence are the joke. Not the article. You.

Now stop bitching and start paying attention.

THE ARTICLE IN QUESTION (for however long it stays around): 

http://nationalreport.net/portland-oregon-deemed-racist-city-united-states/#sthash.fTe0EsMy.NfbD71bd.gbpl

Lesson Plans

It was a slightly frustrating day. I got up early, made breakfast and then headed to school to work. The power was out. I was hoping it would come back on so I sat down to work. I ended up working 2 hours in the powerless room on science lessons for one group. I needed the power to use my computer and create a document my next 2 weeks of lesson plans to be turned in Monday. I have always had an issue with lesson plan creation but expecting a fully thought out 2 week plan is really stressful to me. I also needed access to the internet, to aid in the finer creation of each lesson, and it soon became apparent that I had done all I could do without power and I needed to go home. I got home and had lunch. Then I set up my computer and spent 3 solid hours filling in the plans, hoping I had enough detail to please the principal. I decided once that was done to interpret my lessons into something I can actually use. So I connected to the internet and found I had an unreliable connection. So I took a break and read. it seemed like the universe kept trying to mess with me today.

Yes... lesson plan formats tend to make me feel confused and as a result are basically useless as far as I can tell. They seem to be more of a way for the overlords to see what you do wrong. I do have a method to my madness but in reality I usually am still creating it the day before. I spend hours looking at material so that I can understand what the point is and then focusing on how to attempt to make it accessible. I know lessons are out there but as I have said before they usually confuse me and when I do figure them out they are never really what I want but I definitely steal useful activities from them. I get that my method is not optimal and crazily time consuming. I also understand that being able to write and use lesson plans would make life easier. It is a skill I work on constantly but often I feel that the wide variety of topics I teach make the long look planning seem scary. I work with an outline of what I want to accomplish and I do my best to fit inside it and I feel free to create as I see fit. My principal changed everything though because she is asking me to have 2 weeks together by the start of every Monday. It seems daunting but perhaps I will get into a rhythm and I will conquer my phobias and trepidation. Perhaps I will get better at writing plans faster. Perhaps I will learn how to quickly adapt other lessons to fit my needs. Until that happens I feel overwhelmed and angry about it. I know I can write generic lessons but I want to write good and effective lessons that also happen to be engaging. So I have a lot of expectations and I find sometimes that plays a part in my sense of irritation.

Suspicions Verified

Have you ever decided to not tell someone something because you knew they would make it seem worse? Then later when you tell everybody they manage to prove you right. Everybody else is supportive and sends good thoughts your way but not that person. That person's response makes you feel utterly inadequate and like you might just be the screw up the little voice in your head says you are.

Feeling Blue

I hate when I am proven right.

I felt like things weren't copacetic at work recently. I was wondering about my future. I had reason to feel nervous. Just this last week I was told that no job offer would come before the end of the year. I would either have to wait or start looking now. I started looking. I am not sure about the tenuousness of this gig.  I would like a second year but not knowing until school is done is too long to wait. What did they do that for if they didn't  want me looking.

I am feeling down. I am feeling defeated. I am feeling like teaching was not my calling. I am trying to figure out my life going forward. What do I want to become? What do I want to do? Where do I want to be?

I am also unbelievably pissed off right now. I put my entire life into doing a good job. I make myself be super reliable. I push and push myself to be better and to work harder. Fuck you for hanging me out to dry. 

Doubts

For the first time since I started working down here in Panama I find myself wondering what the hell I am doing. I still really enjoy teaching these kids but I have begun to wonder if I am as welcome as I once felt I was. I am beginning to question if I will be asked back. It is not a good feeling and one that I am hoping I am completely misreading. One comment got me started on this goose chase and now I see evidence everywhere. Am I too sensitive and reading something into nothing or am I spot on. I guess time will tell.

Grrr!

It's weird. It really is, you know? How can something you hide and keep on the dl, like this blog, have almost as many visits as the much more public thing? My official travel blog only has 80 visits more then this one does and I have posted 24 times since August. I have pictures and I talk about legitimate things. This spot is my unloading spot, my free thinking area. I can not guarantee that anyone that comes in here would be entertained or even interested. Yet I still have almost the same amount of visits. What really bothers me is knowing that I send the stupid email to 24 people every time I post. Yet I am barely beating that  blog with this one. I only started posting here in October! 80 clicks different! I don't even say anything here! WTF!?

This has seemed like a long week. I think it is because I have not left town since my arrival on the 14th of January. It is also partially the fault of the 2 visiting boys we had this week. They brought nothing to the table and only served to be a distraction to those who regularly have a place here. They made the days feel long and I am still in recovery mode. I hope to never encounter them again. But if I do I hope it as an actual student. Then they have some skin in the game.

As far as work is concerned, things are progressing nicely this second half. I have to make sure to continue to plan but to also find some outlets to help keep my energy up.

I am looking forward to the weekend. I think this plays a definite part in my antsyness. I am looking forward to hanging out and taking it easy. The idea of visiting this new hostel is very exciting to me. Especially because I already know the purveyor.