I am not sure who you are that is reading this blog... I hope you enjoy it. This blog is an outlet for thoughts and other stuff that I do not add to my other blogs. It is not private or anything so you are welcome to squat here. Either way I hope you come back occasionally.
I learned some interesting things about the place I am living. It seems that at one time this part of Panama was where all the US citizens had vacation cottages. This was back when the canal was property of the US and all the US citizens lived in the Panama Canal Zone. The cottages were not too big and were a nice get away spot. When the Panamanians took over the properties here were owned by rich Panamanians. Some of it still is but the area right around me seems to have a lot of Jewish and Arabian owners. They have built large expansive vacation homes. They have a cook, a nanny, a gardener and maids. My teaching partner and I have become friendly with a few of these workers and greet them warmly each day as we walk to work. The owners of the properties never talk to us and most of the time, as they speed past in the car, barely return our friendly little wave. The one discussion I had with a neighbor lasted long enough for him to discover I did not own the property I was living in. I am sure they are all good people though.
It is weird but as I get to know my teaching partner's husband and his family I find that I like his brother that works as a carpenter the best. He talks at a level that makes sense to me. The other brother is always talking about things I know nothing about but I do appreciate that he is including me. The first time I met them I felt completely confused but they are growing on me and with every encounter I understand and like them a little more. The son is pretty cool and very friendly as is his wife. They have recently welcomed a new baby into their home so they are understandably busy. They have a little busy guy who is one and a half. So he is at the fussy stage but can still be amusing to watch when he is in good spirits. I was invited to their Thanksgiving dinner today and I had a marvelous time shooting the breeze, shooing the mosquitos, and eating too much.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Fever Dreams
Having a cold makes you a pretty boring person. You are tired all the time and every plan you have goes on hold. The only thing that even remotely interesting is your fever dreams. That is some chaotic and, quite often, scary crap. Luckily the dreams fade from memory pretty quickly and all you are left with are the vague feelings that your dreams were messed up.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
(Fill in the blank) Self Reflection is _____________
As time goes by I find myself spending more time looking back. I am looking to see what I have accomplished. I am looking to see what else could be done. I am looking behind to see what decisions I made that I still agree with. The answers are not always encouraging when I check back in on my life. There are a lot of missed opportunities or failures to always put forth my best effort. Basically, the one thing I see a lot of is me sitting around looking back.
I have made a lot of decisions in my life. Some were good decisions and some were bad. For example, deciding to go into hotel and restaurant management was not the best use of my time. I didn't even make it 2 years in the industry. My decision to move to Oregon was a good one; as flawed as an experiment as it turned out to be. My decision to move back to Arizona was pretty much a bad one. Despite trying to want to be there I never managed to really feel like it was where I should have been. The decision to pursue insurance after I gave up on my hotel and restaurant management career was also a bad one. As far as the decision to become a teacher I am pleading the 5th. The reason is that this year is going swimmingly because I like the job and the kids. But that is only 1 year out of 4 enjoyed for the career. My average for feeling like I made a good decision is at a 25%. That sucks!
One of the things I spend a lot of time on these days is my single status. I look back at the very limited pool of ladies I have dated with a little sadness. A lot of the time it is regret about how it ended but I never think that I missed "the one". Sorry if you are one of them and you just read that (although that is not highly likely considering the limited pool of ladies I am referring to).
You see I have a lot of time lately to think about things. I am in a tiny town with a bit of a distance between me and the next closest town. It is almost always quiet here and I have all the time in the world to reflect. As I said before, a lot of reflection finds me reflecting a lot. I dare say that I reflect too much! I constantly try to occupy my time with shows, internet chatting, writing, blogging, and reading. Except I have a lot of time and my mind is super good at managing to reflect even amidst these activities. It is like my one super hero power is self reflection. Which of course makes me less useful then the people whose super power is to scare easily because they are amusing at the very least.
One thing I have kept coming back to over and over again is that is more recent is that, although I love Panama and my strange little gig, I am lonely. I want nothing more then to be asked back next year. I think that would be sublime but in the meantime when I am not at school I am living alone and traveling alone. This much alone time is not good for me. Traveling by myself makes me not only nervous but lonely. If I had a friend to travel with I would feel more comfortable being out later, exploring more freely, or trying out some discos or bars.
I have a plan forming in my head on how to rock my boat a little. As you know I have been making myself travel around to enjoy all about Panama. I started realizing that other people are also traveling and their has to be a handful of losers like me and a few winners that organize things for the loser. You know like get-togethers for travelers and stuff. I figure that I do a better job of planning and I make myself RSVP and show up to events. Maybe I could make some acquaintances there and have some people to tag around with as we explore where ever. I also have decided to look into more local events for local foreigners like me. I guess the proper term is ex-pat. I am not sure what that entails though so I am coining the term lo-fors. Which I think is HIIII-larious. I am thinking meeting some local people from other places that live within an hour bus ride from me would be a very good thing. Of course this is all back to making myself feel confident enough to take that first step. Then once I do in making myself take the next step of meeting people and attempting to be part f the get together. I have done several things like this in the past when I lived in Phoenix and I am not super great at managing the second step of continually attempting to engage my fellow attendees. Wish me a bit of luck and if you find time to kill send suggestions to interesting sounding Panamanian get togethers.
I have made a lot of decisions in my life. Some were good decisions and some were bad. For example, deciding to go into hotel and restaurant management was not the best use of my time. I didn't even make it 2 years in the industry. My decision to move to Oregon was a good one; as flawed as an experiment as it turned out to be. My decision to move back to Arizona was pretty much a bad one. Despite trying to want to be there I never managed to really feel like it was where I should have been. The decision to pursue insurance after I gave up on my hotel and restaurant management career was also a bad one. As far as the decision to become a teacher I am pleading the 5th. The reason is that this year is going swimmingly because I like the job and the kids. But that is only 1 year out of 4 enjoyed for the career. My average for feeling like I made a good decision is at a 25%. That sucks!
One of the things I spend a lot of time on these days is my single status. I look back at the very limited pool of ladies I have dated with a little sadness. A lot of the time it is regret about how it ended but I never think that I missed "the one". Sorry if you are one of them and you just read that (although that is not highly likely considering the limited pool of ladies I am referring to).
You see I have a lot of time lately to think about things. I am in a tiny town with a bit of a distance between me and the next closest town. It is almost always quiet here and I have all the time in the world to reflect. As I said before, a lot of reflection finds me reflecting a lot. I dare say that I reflect too much! I constantly try to occupy my time with shows, internet chatting, writing, blogging, and reading. Except I have a lot of time and my mind is super good at managing to reflect even amidst these activities. It is like my one super hero power is self reflection. Which of course makes me less useful then the people whose super power is to scare easily because they are amusing at the very least.
One thing I have kept coming back to over and over again is that is more recent is that, although I love Panama and my strange little gig, I am lonely. I want nothing more then to be asked back next year. I think that would be sublime but in the meantime when I am not at school I am living alone and traveling alone. This much alone time is not good for me. Traveling by myself makes me not only nervous but lonely. If I had a friend to travel with I would feel more comfortable being out later, exploring more freely, or trying out some discos or bars.
I have a plan forming in my head on how to rock my boat a little. As you know I have been making myself travel around to enjoy all about Panama. I started realizing that other people are also traveling and their has to be a handful of losers like me and a few winners that organize things for the loser. You know like get-togethers for travelers and stuff. I figure that I do a better job of planning and I make myself RSVP and show up to events. Maybe I could make some acquaintances there and have some people to tag around with as we explore where ever. I also have decided to look into more local events for local foreigners like me. I guess the proper term is ex-pat. I am not sure what that entails though so I am coining the term lo-fors. Which I think is HIIII-larious. I am thinking meeting some local people from other places that live within an hour bus ride from me would be a very good thing. Of course this is all back to making myself feel confident enough to take that first step. Then once I do in making myself take the next step of meeting people and attempting to be part f the get together. I have done several things like this in the past when I lived in Phoenix and I am not super great at managing the second step of continually attempting to engage my fellow attendees. Wish me a bit of luck and if you find time to kill send suggestions to interesting sounding Panamanian get togethers.
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