Palabras

So Christmas is 6 days away. I don't feel like it is that close. I feel so disconnected from the holidays in general this year. I stayed holed up in my house for Thanksgiving. I came out 2 days later for my neighbors Thanksgiving meal. Until that point I had not made it out of the house. I am not sure what is going on in my head but I tend to want to go somewhere but have no push to make it happen. A lot of weekends have been spent at home, hiding in the house. I always feel better when I get out and yet I seem to be unable to make it happen. I think getting out of Panama for a while will do me some good.

I hope that a break from the pattern I have fallen into will be shaken. I hope I come back with new energy to match my curiosity. Traveling, exploring, purchasing a paddle board would be very helpful things to get into when I come back.

Anyway I am glad that life is going as well it is. I need to make some changes personally. But what is new.

End of the year thoughts...

Holiday break is after tomorrow and this week has been a doozy! As always the end of the year is hectic and the kids are bonkers. We are putting on a show to display some of what the kids are learning and that has felt very long and exhausting to me. I am not really involved in the show and that kind of makes it all seem tedious. I have been working on game boards with the kids for 2 weeks and I was excited to get them playing them this morning. Of course because I was excited it didn't happen. One of the key play participants was being pulled out early today, I am not sure why but the rumor the kids told me was so that they could surf. Surfing is very important down here so I wouldn't be surprised if this was the reason she left early. Of course this disruption really messed us up and I never really got the pay off from the board creation. The kids didn't get a few hours to play the content based games. We didn't play them at all.

The other thing that has been rather trying is that the kids are ready to get a break from each other. They are arguing and getting hurt feelings. It is tiresome and I look forward to a time away from trying to diffuse soured feelings. I think time apart heals petty wounds that these kids are over reacting to, so lets hurry up and give it to them.

I am getting a little antsy. 4 days from today I head to Panama City. 6 days from today I get on a plane for a super long trip to Phoenix to spend time with family an friends. I need the break just as much as the kids do.

That being said.... I began speaking to my principal about having the desire to come back next year. She was receptive and plans to help me become stronger in the areas we both agree I need to strengthen to become a better teacher. So that is good.

In case I don't write here before then, Have a Merry Christmas.

Confessions

I think I should start off by admitting that I never made it to El Valle. I did try though. I had a good weekend despite not making it to the one place I keep promising to go and never making it to.

Work has been going along pretty well. I have my kids working on review projects for social studies and science. The only new stuff is math and I want them at a certain chapter before I call this half of the year complete. I am wondering about one grade level making it. I may be pushing too hard and I only have 3 days left to make it happen. I will see how tomorrow goes and I will either continue the push or I will rework the semester ending test.

I think it is weird how some online places seem to cause me to stretch the truth a little bit. I prefer to think of it as time line shifting. Everything I say I have done but not necessarily in the order it occurs. Maybe an inside out garment was worn the day before and not on the same day as another one but isn't putting both occurrences on the same day more entertaining? Why am I worried about the entertainment value of my online ramblings?

Why can't I spell tonight?

I still wonder who is checking this page out but people keep coming by. Thanks. I appreciate it. Of course I do wonder what you get out of the complete randomness.

Awake Too Early

I woke up this morning at 4 AM. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. So I made breakfast and had some coffee. I listened to some podcasts while I puttered around. I am not sure why I am awake already but it seems like an opportune time to travel to El Valle. So I am going to get ready and head over there. What shall this day bring?

A random smattering of thoughts

I am not sure who you are that is reading this blog... I hope you enjoy it. This blog is an outlet for thoughts and other stuff that I do not add to my other blogs. It is not private or anything so you are welcome to squat here. Either way I hope you come back occasionally.

I learned some interesting things about the place I am living. It seems that at one time this part of Panama was where all the US citizens had vacation cottages. This was back when the canal was property of the US and all the US citizens lived in the Panama Canal Zone.  The cottages were not too big and were a nice get away spot. When the Panamanians took over the properties here were owned by rich Panamanians. Some of it still is but the area right around me seems to have a lot of Jewish and Arabian owners. They have built large expansive vacation homes. They have a cook, a nanny, a gardener and maids. My teaching partner and I have become friendly with a few of these workers and greet them warmly each day as we walk to work. The owners of the properties never talk to us and most of the time, as they speed past in the car, barely return our friendly little wave. The one discussion I had with a neighbor lasted long enough for him to discover I did not own the property I was living in. I am sure they are all good people though.

It is weird but as I get to know my teaching partner's husband and his family I find that I like his brother that works as a carpenter the best. He talks at a level that makes sense to me. The other brother is always talking about things I know nothing about but I do appreciate that he is including me. The first time I met them I felt completely confused but they are growing on me and with every encounter I understand and like them a little more. The son is pretty cool and very friendly as is his wife. They have recently welcomed a new baby into their home so they are understandably busy. They have a little busy guy who is one and a half. So he is at the fussy stage but can still be amusing to watch when he is in good spirits. I was invited to their Thanksgiving dinner today and I had a marvelous time shooting the breeze, shooing the mosquitos, and eating too much.

Fever Dreams

Having a cold makes you a pretty boring person. You are tired all the time and every plan you have goes on hold. The only thing that even remotely interesting is your fever dreams. That is some chaotic and, quite often, scary crap. Luckily the dreams fade from memory pretty quickly and all you are left with are the vague feelings that your dreams were messed up.

(Fill in the blank) Self Reflection is _____________

      As time goes by I find myself spending more time looking back. I am looking to see what I have accomplished. I am looking to see what else could be done. I am looking behind to see what decisions I made that I still agree with. The answers are not always encouraging when I check back in on my life. There are a lot of missed opportunities or failures to always put forth my best effort. Basically, the one thing I see a lot of is me sitting around looking back.
      I have made a lot of decisions in my life. Some were good decisions and some were bad. For example, deciding to go into hotel and restaurant management was not the best use of my time. I didn't even make it 2 years in the industry. My decision to move to Oregon was a good one; as flawed as an experiment as it turned out to be. My decision to move back to Arizona was pretty much a bad one. Despite trying to want to be there I never managed to really feel like it was where I should have been. The decision to pursue insurance after I gave up on my hotel and restaurant management career was also a bad one. As far as the decision to become a teacher I am pleading the 5th. The reason is that this year is going swimmingly because I like the job and the kids. But that is only 1 year out of 4 enjoyed for the career. My average for feeling like I made a good decision is at a 25%. That sucks!
      One of the things I spend a lot of time on these days is my single status. I look back at the very limited pool of ladies I have dated with a little sadness. A lot of the time it is regret about how it ended but I never think that I missed "the one". Sorry if you are one of them and you just read that (although that is not highly likely considering the limited pool of ladies I am referring to).
     You see I have a lot of time lately to think about things. I am in a tiny town with a bit of a distance between me and the next closest town. It is almost always quiet here and I have all the time in the world to reflect. As I said before, a lot of reflection finds me reflecting a lot. I dare say that I reflect too much! I constantly try to occupy my time with shows, internet chatting, writing, blogging, and reading. Except I have a lot of time and my mind is super good at managing to reflect even amidst these activities. It is like my one super hero power is self reflection. Which of course makes me less useful then the people whose super power is to scare easily because they are amusing at the very least.
      One thing I have kept coming back to over and over again is that is more recent is that, although I love Panama and my strange little gig, I am lonely. I want nothing more then to be asked back next year. I think that would be sublime but in the meantime when I am not at school I am living alone and traveling alone. This much alone time is not good for me. Traveling by myself makes me not only nervous but lonely. If I had a friend to travel with I would feel more comfortable being out later, exploring more freely, or trying out some discos or bars.
      I have a plan forming in my head on how to rock my boat a little. As you know I have been making myself travel around to enjoy all about Panama. I started realizing that other people are also traveling and their has to be a handful of losers like me and a few winners that organize things for the loser. You know like get-togethers for travelers and stuff. I figure that I do a better job of planning and I make myself RSVP and show up to events. Maybe I could make some acquaintances there and have some people to tag around with as we explore where ever. I also have decided to look into more local events for local foreigners like me. I guess the proper term is ex-pat. I am not sure what that entails though so I am coining the term lo-fors. Which I think is HIIII-larious. I am thinking meeting some local people from other places that live within an hour bus ride from me would be a very good thing. Of course this is all back to making myself feel confident enough to take that first step. Then once I do in making myself take the next step of meeting people and attempting to be part f the get together. I have done several things like this in the past when I lived in Phoenix and I am not super great at managing the second step of continually attempting to engage my fellow attendees. Wish me a bit of luck and if you find time to kill send suggestions to interesting sounding Panamanian get togethers.

A response to Case 39 or Offering Advice For the Proper Raising of A Helpful Demon Spawn

While watching a rather boring horror movie called Case 39, I began to envision getting the chance to offer the main character some advice. I typed it up and I offer it here for your reading pleasure:

      When we first met your life was going pretty decently. You are a young relatively attractive woman that works helping families in crisis. You see the worst of the worst and you do everything in your power to make it better. Your job is your life. You have one man that is attempting to wedge his way into it but you decide, for better or for worse; that now is not the time. Work has all your attention, all your emotions, and every ounce of mental capacity tied up. 

      The last thing you need is one more case to hit your desk. It does anyway and it is a doozy. A slight cute 10 year old girl is being neglected and possibly abused. You swoop in, schedule an appointment with her strange family that seems hostile and dangerous. You plead and plead for someone to help but nobody can see any signs of this abuse. So in your desperation you do something stupid, you give the girl your personal number. As a result you end up saving her life. Her parents were trying to kill her in a gas oven but one well timed phone call and you and your really old cop friend (what’s the deal with that?) make it in the nick of time. The girl has been saved and she is your new pet project. Every extra bit of time you get you go for a visit to the foster home she is being housed at. One little request from her accompanied with her sad puppy dog eyes and you know what you have to do. You change your entire life in order to take the girl in. To offer her the support and safety that you know she so desperately needs.

    The problem is your wrong. Not just because you are in a horror movie, because you don’t know that. What you have just saved from a firey death is, quite literally, a demon. Sure she is cute and harmless looking as a pack of wild My Little Pony ponies but we soon learn there is more to her then you thought (I can’t say we because we know you are screwed when we decide to see the movie…. that whole being in a horror movie thing). The first too fall is another boy that is a case of yours. The boy slaughters his family while they sleep. The next to go down is closer to home and in reality that person’s death is on you more than it is on the little cute velociraptor you are fostering. Sure she made the magic happen but it is still your fault.

Why, you ask?

1. ·         This person is in love with you, yes your spurned love interest is the next too fall. Duh!
2. ·         This person is also your cute little orc’s therapist and she is way too honest with him.
3. ·         You suspect her of causing the deaths of that family.
4. ·         You get all weird and angry about it. You stop talking to her and adoring her.
5. ·         Worst of all your potential flame confides his fear of the precious little Tasmanian devil and it makes you get weirder. When she asks you about it you hesitate before giving back a wooden and obviously fake denial.

     So you are to blame for his death and yet you continue to make bad decisions. You run head first into danger and you drag everyone else with you. That is why you should be the third person to die but this is a horror movie and you have to fight back. So I have decided to create an action plan for you to follow in order for things to go a little different.

     First thing you must realize: YOU done screwed up now! You saved a crazy demon child, albeit a cute one, from her impending ticket back to the place she came from. You then further complicated the issue by bringing her into your life. You better learn to accept the fact that there is no going back. Once you accept that you are screwed your new life will begin. You have two choices: save only yourself or attempt to steer her talents in a more positive direction. Let’s face it this girl does really need support, safety and some love. Yes even little adorable demon children need love. So let’s first examine the first route to survival.

By gum! I shall survive!; The “I have no idea what is happening.” Game Plan

·         Return to normalcy. Put the knives and other instruments of destruction back into the house. Hiding the things makes you seem scared. You have adopted a predator and predators attack when they smell fear. As you replace everything you made disappear repeat this mantra: I am not a rabbit! I shall not hide!

·         Smile! Fake it until you make it! This is a horrible phrase but a lot of the time this really does work. If you can project happiness you might get happiness.

·         Make single serving friends. That way if your new housemate offs them it is only a small twinge of regret that you will feel.

·         Do not bring in competition. This means no new boyfriend, baby, pet or even house plant. Your homegirl will totally flip and off whoever or whatever takes your time away from her.

·         Try and avoid quiet time with her. She will get all creepy on you when you are trying to get a moment to yourself. A moment to yourself should only happen at work, after all you are way underpaid and have a crappy life sucking, soul crushingly depressing job.

·         Don’t over think stuff. Someone that is sort of connected to you just died? Bummer… now move on.

·         Don’t confide in people you like. That gets them killed and that won’t help you stay positive.

·         Start making the demon girl happy. For example:

o   Don’t ignore her, it makes her pissy. Pissy means she starts shopping for your replacement.

o   Keep her busy doing fun things. If she is busy and happy she will probably target you a lot less.

o   She is always full of great ideas. This is absolutely true. Remember any idea that is not centered around offing you is a good idea.

o   Stay positive. You are still breathing, what is there to be super mad about?

     If I am being truthful I do not think the ostrich with his head in the sand method will work very long. I think by your very nature you will crack and attempt to stop her. As a result I completely recommend this idea for your use.

The Scaffolding Game Plan

     Just like before, you must accept what you have brought into your life; a demon with pigtails. Of course in reality every little kid has a bit of the demon in them. In fact, everybody at every age does. It is something we all must learn to control and keep below the surface. This girl just happens to be more in touch with her devilish side then most people are; with the added benefit of being able to make things happen from afar. You will come to meet your devil if you tangle with this cute viper and it is very likely your demon isn’t as good at it as she is. The only real option is to guide her in a direction that you can learn to live with. You already instinctively know that she will continue to off people and that her likely targets will be everyone who matters to you.  She will kill off every last person until you attempt to take her out. How well did that work out for her actual parents? She ended up living with you didn’t she? So you know she can survive attempted murder. If you take her on you will either die, go crazy or be locked up. Sure you might actually get her before any of that happens but you will most definitely be hurt by the impending battle. What you need to do, to increase your odds of survival is follow the rules put down here.

·         Return to normalcy. Put the knives and other instruments of destruction back into the house. Hiding the things makes you seem scared. You have adopted a predator and predators attack when they smell fear. As you replace everything you made disappear repeat this mantra: I am not a rabbit! I shall not hide!

·         Let her back into your life. Stop hiding from her. When she says she hates to be ignored she isn’t merely being whiny she is warning you.

·         Start going through your files at work. Separate all the bad people into a pile and memorize everything about them.

·         Have a sit down with her. Say this: “I am sorry I have been so weird lately. Losing  ____ insert name of forgettable guy who died___ was really hard for me. I did not mean to push you away because of it.” This will sound better if you do this while going for ice cream or something like that. Once you have this little discussion let it drop. I know this sounds harsh but remember you are the reason he is dead not her. SO stop blaming evil for being evil and handle your emotions!

·         It is now time to begin molding. Bring one your worst cases home with you and when she sees you flipping through it act like you want to confide in her. Something like “I wish I could….. no I shouldn’t tell you.” Close the file, put it on the table and begin making dinner. This gives her the chance to flip through it and you can feign ignorance.

·         Later in the evening fake a call to your weirdly random old cop friend. Tell him all about the case and how you wish there was some way the bad dude/dudette would disappear and let the child live his/her life. Say “I know” really sadly, a lot, and then say goodnight.

·         If she takes the bait and offs the bad guy you have successfully guided her. Of course you might need to refine it if she uses the kid to kill the bad person. If she found another way to do it then it is time for the next level of guidance. Confide in her that you know she can do things and that sometimes she chooses the wrong path but that you are proud of her on this one. Tell her something about helping those who need it being a good thing. Ask her to help you balance the scales.

·         If she offs the kid or somebody you are fond of then you have another problem entirely. I would come straight out and tell her that she should use her abilities responsibly. Pull Spiderman’s uncle on her “Great power likes to eat great responsibility’s heart” or something similar to that. Ask her flat out to only kill people that deserve it. Face it, some people shouldn’t actually be walking this earth. When you want her to take somebody out make sure you tell her why you want her to do it. Make the reason as important as the action

·         Hopefully she allows you to mold her but she is evil by nature so she will constantly fall off the wagon. Evil likes attention and killing off bad people is not enough attention. Forgive her missteps because not doing so will get ya killed but tell her you expect more from her. Expectation is such a heavy word to cart around. It will probably help her stay straight on the bad guy massacre path.

·         If you completely and utterly fail at the guiding thing, do yourself a favor and set ground rules with her and yourself. They should resemble this:

o   Tell her who you need her to consider off limits. Hopefully she likes you enough to care.

o   Set a maximum limit per month for her.

o   Celebrate every month that you and your friends are left standing by throwing her a party.

o   Never give up on trying to reform her evil habits. Just don’t get all preachy about it.

o   Tuck her in and give her a kiss on the forehead every night.

o   Learn to properly handle all weapons and become proficient with hand to hand combat.

o   Make a plan for how to get rid of her body and how you can disappear.

o   When she finally does come for you be ready to strike fast and fatally. Either she goes down or you do.