Feeling Blue

I hate when I am proven right.

I felt like things weren't copacetic at work recently. I was wondering about my future. I had reason to feel nervous. Just this last week I was told that no job offer would come before the end of the year. I would either have to wait or start looking now. I started looking. I am not sure about the tenuousness of this gig.  I would like a second year but not knowing until school is done is too long to wait. What did they do that for if they didn't  want me looking.

I am feeling down. I am feeling defeated. I am feeling like teaching was not my calling. I am trying to figure out my life going forward. What do I want to become? What do I want to do? Where do I want to be?

I am also unbelievably pissed off right now. I put my entire life into doing a good job. I make myself be super reliable. I push and push myself to be better and to work harder. Fuck you for hanging me out to dry. 

Doubts

For the first time since I started working down here in Panama I find myself wondering what the hell I am doing. I still really enjoy teaching these kids but I have begun to wonder if I am as welcome as I once felt I was. I am beginning to question if I will be asked back. It is not a good feeling and one that I am hoping I am completely misreading. One comment got me started on this goose chase and now I see evidence everywhere. Am I too sensitive and reading something into nothing or am I spot on. I guess time will tell.

Grrr!

It's weird. It really is, you know? How can something you hide and keep on the dl, like this blog, have almost as many visits as the much more public thing? My official travel blog only has 80 visits more then this one does and I have posted 24 times since August. I have pictures and I talk about legitimate things. This spot is my unloading spot, my free thinking area. I can not guarantee that anyone that comes in here would be entertained or even interested. Yet I still have almost the same amount of visits. What really bothers me is knowing that I send the stupid email to 24 people every time I post. Yet I am barely beating that  blog with this one. I only started posting here in October! 80 clicks different! I don't even say anything here! WTF!?

This has seemed like a long week. I think it is because I have not left town since my arrival on the 14th of January. It is also partially the fault of the 2 visiting boys we had this week. They brought nothing to the table and only served to be a distraction to those who regularly have a place here. They made the days feel long and I am still in recovery mode. I hope to never encounter them again. But if I do I hope it as an actual student. Then they have some skin in the game.

As far as work is concerned, things are progressing nicely this second half. I have to make sure to continue to plan but to also find some outlets to help keep my energy up.

I am looking forward to the weekend. I think this plays a definite part in my antsyness. I am looking forward to hanging out and taking it easy. The idea of visiting this new hostel is very exciting to me. Especially because I already know the purveyor.

Stir Crazy

I'm a little stir crazy. I reached that point sometime over the weekend. It is a good thing I have a plan for the weekend. I need to start making plans every couple weeks to get out of my tiny town. I like the quiet, hearing the various insects and the waves, but I too easily get in a rut. I am in a rut.... I did not do enough this last weekend. I was too sedentary. And yet I do note regret the last weekend. I read and I planned. I even stole some beach time.

Anyway......

Thoughts on the new semester

It is a lot hotter down here then it was before Christmas. It is also considerably dryer. The windy days are better though, because the heat is not as bad.

I have 3 new kids. One of them is a real puzzler. She can read but can't write. I am not sure what to with her but I continue to forge ahead and try little things as I go along.

Friends

I have made it a bit of a habit to keep in contact with friends I make at jobs. At least since Nationwide. Of course there was 1 person there I lost contact with. Sometimes I wonder if I did that on purpose. She happened to be very married. And very cute.

There were a lot of people I managed to keep in contact with from there. Even if we are mostly facebook friends at this point. I do not make it to Portland very often. So nobody's fault really.

I keep in regular contact with people at the most recent job. I even get together with some when I come to visit from Panama.

The job I had before that..... that one is a puzzler. A lot of people are in Phoenix now. Not everyone of course but those that were are harder to wrangle. It is like we are all working toward erasing our time on the rez. Most of the time that is okay. Sometimes I wonder about it.

You have to work hard to keep friends that share life experiences with you. It is especially hard with coworkers. Once you lose the commonality what is left? I find that some very interesting and unique people are what is left. I must continue to keep the friends I have forged. They are worth the effort.

Travel Thoughts

I recently came back from a trip back to my hometown. It is the reason for the lapse in posts.

The trip got me thinking though. I was very glad to see the people but the trip managed to reaffirm my urge not to ever live there again. I am not a fan of my hometown. Add to that my relatively remote living situation and you could say the whole country seemed overwhelming. I immediately fell back into the pull of consumerism and the amount of money I could live on for 2 or 3 months here flew out of my pocket rapidly while I visited there. Some things were a planned investment; a new iPod and Rosetta Stone. Those were big expenditures but it was the lunches, dinners, coffees, and alcohol that added up quickly.

I also had a huge sinus reaction from the moment I got there. I was stuffed up and miserable because of it for a lot of the time. Yes I could have taken drugs while I was there to help. I tried a few things but drugs leave me hazy and disconnected and I wanted to be connected. For the most part I managed okay with the connection but my physical activity dropped to nearly nothing. I would go into sneezing jags when I was outside too long. I went on one short and very disappointing hike. That was my favorite thing about Phoenix in the Winter; hiking is tolerable.

I came to a conclusion while I was visiting. That I needed to only visit in the future. I do not want to move back. I am not sure that where I am is the permanent solution but it is most definitely a solution that works now. I can start looking again when I feel antsy.