While watching a rather boring horror movie called Case 39, I began to envision getting the chance to offer the main character some advice. I typed it up and I offer it here for your reading pleasure:
When we first met your life was going pretty decently. You are a young relatively attractive woman that works
helping families in crisis. You see the worst of the worst and you do
everything in your power to make it better. Your job is your life. You have one
man that is attempting to wedge his way into it but you decide, for better or
for worse; that now is not the time. Work has all your attention, all your emotions,
and every ounce of mental capacity tied up.
The last thing you need is one more
case to hit your desk. It does anyway and it is a doozy. A slight cute 10 year
old girl is being neglected and possibly abused. You swoop in, schedule an
appointment with her strange family that seems hostile and dangerous. You plead
and plead for someone to help but nobody can see any signs of this abuse. So in
your desperation you do something stupid, you give the girl your personal
number. As a result you end up saving her life. Her parents were trying to kill
her in a gas oven but one well timed phone call and you and your really old
cop friend (what’s the deal with that?) make it in the nick of time. The girl
has been saved and she is your new pet project. Every extra bit of time you get
you go for a visit to the foster home she is being housed at. One little request from her accompanied with her sad puppy dog eyes and you know what you have to do. You change your entire life in order to take the girl in.
To offer her the support and safety that you know she so desperately needs.
The problem is your wrong. Not just because you are in a
horror movie, because you don’t know that. What you have just saved from a
firey death is, quite literally, a demon. Sure she is cute and harmless looking
as a pack of wild My Little Pony ponies but we soon learn there is more to her
then you thought (I can’t say we because we know you are screwed when we decide
to see the movie…. that whole being in a horror movie thing). The first too
fall is another boy that is a case of yours. The boy slaughters his family while they sleep.
The next to go down is closer to home and in reality that person’s death is on
you more than it is on the little cute velociraptor you are fostering. Sure she
made the magic happen but it is still your fault.
Why, you ask?
- · This person is in love with you, yes your spurned love interest is the next too fall. Duh!
- · This person is also your cute little orc’s therapist and she is way too honest with him.
- · You suspect her of causing the deaths of that family.
- · You get all weird and angry about it. You stop talking to her and adoring her.
- · Worst of all your potential flame confides his fear of the precious little Tasmanian devil and it makes you get weirder. When she asks you about it you hesitate before giving back a wooden and obviously fake denial.
So you are to blame for his death and yet you continue to
make bad decisions. You run head first into danger and you drag everyone else
with you. That is why you should be the third person to die but this is a
horror movie and you have to fight back. So I have decided to create an action
plan for you to follow in order for things to go a little different.
First thing you must realize: YOU done screwed up now! You
saved a crazy demon child, albeit a cute one, from her impending ticket back to
the place she came from. You then further complicated the issue by bringing her
into your life. You better learn to accept the fact that there is no going
back. Once you accept that you are screwed your new life will begin. You have
two choices: save only yourself or attempt to steer her talents in a more
positive direction. Let’s face it this girl does really need support, safety
and some love. Yes even little adorable demon children need love. So let’s
first examine the first route to survival.
By gum! I shall survive!; The “I have no idea what is happening.”
Game Plan
·
Return to normalcy. Put the knives and other
instruments of destruction back into the house. Hiding the things makes you
seem scared. You have adopted a predator and predators attack when they smell
fear. As you replace everything you made disappear repeat this mantra: I am not
a rabbit! I shall not hide!
·
Smile! Fake it until you make it! This is a
horrible phrase but a lot of the time this really does work. If you can project
happiness you might get happiness.
·
Make single serving friends. That way if your
new housemate offs them it is only a small twinge of regret that you will feel.
·
Do not bring in competition. This means no new
boyfriend, baby, pet or even house plant. Your homegirl will totally flip and
off whoever or whatever takes your time away from her.
·
Try and avoid quiet time with her. She will get
all creepy on you when you are trying to get a moment to yourself. A moment to
yourself should only happen at work, after all you are way underpaid and have a
crappy life sucking, soul crushingly depressing job.
·
Don’t over think stuff. Someone that is sort of
connected to you just died? Bummer… now move on.
·
Don’t confide in people you like. That gets them
killed and that won’t help you stay positive.
·
Start making the demon girl happy. For example:
o
Don’t ignore her, it makes her pissy. Pissy
means she starts shopping for your replacement.
o
Keep her busy doing fun things. If she is busy
and happy she will probably target you a lot less.
o
She is always full of great ideas. This is
absolutely true. Remember any idea that is not centered around offing you is a
good idea.
o
Stay positive. You are still breathing, what is
there to be super mad about?
If I am being truthful I do not think the ostrich with his
head in the sand method will work very long. I think by your very nature you
will crack and attempt to stop her. As a result I completely recommend this
idea for your use.
The Scaffolding Game Plan
Just like before, you must accept what you have brought into
your life; a demon with pigtails. Of course in reality every little kid has a
bit of the demon in them. In fact, everybody at every age does. It is something
we all must learn to control and keep below the surface. This girl just happens to be more in touch with her devilish side then most people are; with the added benefit of being able to make things happen from afar. You will come to meet
your devil if you tangle with this cute viper and it is very likely your demon
isn’t as good at it as she is. The only real option is to guide her in a
direction that you can learn to live with. You already instinctively know that
she will continue to off people and that her likely targets will be everyone
who matters to you. She will kill off
every last person until you attempt to take her out. How well did that work out
for her actual parents? She ended up living with you didn’t she? So you know
she can survive attempted murder. If you take her on you will either die, go
crazy or be locked up. Sure you might actually get her before any of that happens
but you will most definitely be hurt by the impending battle. What you need to
do, to increase your odds of survival is follow the rules put down here.
·
Return to normalcy. Put the knives and other
instruments of destruction back into the house. Hiding the things makes you
seem scared. You have adopted a predator and predators attack when they smell
fear. As you replace everything you made disappear repeat this mantra: I am not
a rabbit! I shall not hide!
·
Let her back into your life. Stop hiding from
her. When she says she hates to be ignored she isn’t merely being whiny she is
warning you.
·
Start going through your files at work. Separate
all the bad people into a pile and memorize everything about them.
·
Have a sit down with her. Say this: “I am sorry
I have been so weird lately. Losing ____ insert name of forgettable guy who
died___ was really hard for me. I did not mean to push you away because of
it.” This will sound better if you do this while going for ice cream or something
like that. Once you have this little discussion let it drop. I know this sounds harsh but remember you are the reason he is dead not her. SO stop blaming evil for being evil and handle your emotions!
·
It is now time to begin molding. Bring one your
worst cases home with you and when she sees you flipping through it act like you
want to confide in her. Something like “I wish I could….. no I shouldn’t tell
you.” Close the file, put it on the table and begin making dinner. This gives her the chance to flip through it and you can feign ignorance.
·
Later in the evening fake a call to your weirdly
random old cop friend. Tell him all about the case and how you wish there was some way
the bad dude/dudette would disappear and let the child live his/her life. Say “I
know” really sadly, a lot, and then say goodnight.
·
If she takes the bait and offs the bad guy you
have successfully guided her. Of course you might need to refine it if she uses
the kid to kill the bad person. If she found another way to do it then it is time for the next level of guidance. Confide in her that you know she can do things and
that sometimes she chooses the wrong path but that you are proud of her on this
one. Tell her something about helping those who need it being a good thing. Ask her to help you balance the scales.
·
If she offs the kid or somebody you are fond of
then you have another problem entirely. I would come straight out and tell her
that she should use her abilities responsibly. Pull Spiderman’s uncle on her “Great
power likes to eat great responsibility’s heart” or something similar to that. Ask
her flat out to only kill people that deserve it. Face it, some people shouldn’t
actually be walking this earth. When you want her to take somebody out make sure you tell her why you want her to do it. Make the reason as important as the action
·
Hopefully she allows you to mold her but she is
evil by nature so she will constantly fall off the wagon. Evil likes attention
and killing off bad people is not enough attention. Forgive her missteps
because not doing so will get ya killed but tell her you expect more from her. Expectation
is such a heavy word to cart around. It will probably help her stay straight on
the bad guy massacre path.
·
If you completely and utterly fail at the
guiding thing, do yourself a favor and set ground rules with her and yourself. They should resemble this:
o
Tell her who you need her to consider off
limits. Hopefully she likes you enough to care.
o
Set a maximum limit per month for her.
o
Celebrate every month that you and your friends
are left standing by throwing her a party.
o
Never give up on trying to reform her evil habits.
Just don’t get all preachy about it.
o
Tuck her in and give her a kiss on the forehead
every night.
o
Learn to properly handle all weapons and become
proficient with hand to hand combat.
o
Make a plan for how to get rid of her body and
how you can disappear.
o
When she finally does come for you be ready to
strike fast and fatally. Either she goes down or you do.
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